October 17th, 2008 10:31AM PST - Today I realized again how sorry I really am for everything. The past month and half…you kept telling me and I didn’t listen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I was so selfish. That I didn’t always put you first. When you got into a car accident, I wasn’t there. I should have showed more concern. I should have showed you how worried I was. I should have flew down to be with you. I hope that goes without saying, how much I cared, but I didn’t show you enough. You were absolutely right. You know…you never realize what’s important to you until it’s gone. I wish I could take everything that I did back. I wish I never hurt you the way I did. I wish that I could have looked past myself enough to see that you were hurting. And I don’t blame you at all for this outcome. Where we are now. I think that you deserve better. I was so consumed with my own life, with school, work and myself that I didn’t realized how much our relationship was in trouble. I’m sorry for disrespecting you the way that I did. I’m sorry that even at this time, I still want something for me that even when we’re here, I still make you feel ugly inside. You aren’t ugly. You are truly beautiful. Because I can’t tell you. I wanted to write you or write it down. And perhaps someday I’ll share this with you. What I was trying to tell you yesterday is – I just hope that you know all of this. That things left unsaid are still thoughts in your heart. I’m going through a rough time and I can only imagine how it must be for you. The irony is, that now that we’re not together, there's not a thought that goes by that doesn’t have you in it. I still want the best for you. I’ve always wanted what was best for you. You deserve everything and anything. I sincerely hope that one day you will come to know God the way that I know him. And I’m sorry that there was inherent pressure and also pressure that I must have placed on you as well. It wasn’t the right thing to do. I see you and I see a beautiful person. Someone who is compassionate about helping others. Someone who cares about people. Someone who thinks about others before herself. Someone who thinks of her mom and her well being before herself. Someone who put my needs before her own. I know you know this one…but I see you "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves." -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 You exemplify so many great qualities. Attributes that I’ve always wanted in a soul mate. And of course, I thought you should know. Not only are you all these things. You are smart and beautiful. You are talented. I admire you. I admire your drive to be the best you absolutely can be. Your aptitude to grow in anything and everything you do. Your desire to learn new things. Meet new people. Venture outside your comfort zone. And what I told you yesterday. You are destined for great things here on earth. Be the person you want to be. If anyone deserves to be happy, it’s you. You have been through so much. You deserve your heart's desires. You know, I learned so much from you and through “us”. Fate is a funny thing. God’s will is a funny thing. It’s amazing how God works in our lives. I know, that we met for a purpose. Not only might you not be where you are right now, but I probably wouldn’t be here myself. Moving up north. Going to school up here. It has all been carefully orchestrated by our Creator. And now we just have to trust in God. That He wants what is best for the both of us. Please don’t come out of this with the thought that you were placed in my life to test me. Because I have been tested time and time again before I met you. You didn’t do anything wrong. And I know that it’s not about blame, but the heart wants what the heart wants sometimes and we can't fight that. I’m not sure what that means exactly, but it sounded eloquent. I guess what I’m trying to say is that sticking to “everything happens for a reason” isn’t just an excuse for why things didn’t work. I think things had to happen this way for us to be where we are now. In any case, I am sorry. I probably can’t tell you how sorry I really am. One thing I must say. I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life. And I’m glad that I was able to put my walls down with you because I haven’t done that in a long, long time. I don’t know if you know that. I have to thank you too…for being who you are and putting down walls and wearing your emotions on your sleeve when we were together. I know that you don’t just do that for anyone. I’m happy that you’ve decided to focus on yourself and I will pray for you. I will pray for your mom especially too, because I know how hard it was for you to leave. To pick up and leave everything here. I know, that although things are the way they are right now, that the dust will settle. I hope that you find the love you deserve. The respect that you deserve. The person that will compliment you in every way possible. That later you will be in a place where it’s safe again to give yourself to another person. I sincerely hope and can't say enough how much I pray that you will be saved. That you will know Jesus as I do. And that one day we will meet in paradise.
<3 Always,
~Jer
October 17th, 2008 3:21PM PST Hi again. You know, I know it’s probably not fair to ever give you these letters or however you would categorize them. I guess this is just therapeutic for my own healing. And I guess in case something bad ever happens to me, at least you will know how I felt about you and what I’m feeling at this very moment. I know you’re probably asking yourself why I never did this before, and the truth is – I don’t know. I should have tried harder. I was an idiot. I don’t really have a great explanation for why I was the way I was. Chalk it up to insecurity about us, about life maybe. You’re right about one thing though. I didn’t focus on the right things and I should have. I didn’t focus on the good things about us and now I wish more than anything that I had because I would give anything to be back together with you. These are my thoughts. Take them as they are. It’s like a roller coaster for me. Ultimately, I know that this is probably the best decision for us, but a part of me thinks (a big part of me) feels like it’s not the right thing. And as much as I try to fight it, I can’t. I literally think about you ever minute of every day. Which should be obvious because I’m writing to you now while I’m at work. When I should be doing something else, I’m not. Why? Because I honestly don’t care. And I know it’s not right not to care about that, but like I told you before…I realized what’s important and while I know that I can’t change your mind, I can at least tell you that I want to be with you. Although I know you hate hearing it. I miss you. And you know I do. And that feeling is not so easily overcome. Time passes so slowly when I’m not with you. Ok. I’ll stop now. The reason I decided to write you is well because everything reminds me of you. Everything around. I was at verde yesterday and I remember the day we went there and you wore your stunna shades. You were so beautiful that day. I loved studying with you. You know what I was just thinking…I should have written you a note ever day. Notes like these. To show you how much I love you. To show you that I was thinking about you every day. And Dana, I really was, but I guess I should have told you more. Gosh I am so stupid. Anyway, the reason I’m writing again is because I was talking to a co-worker and he said he joined green peace in Africa a while back. He told me about it…and I started to think about you. And how you are destined for such great things in life. I hope that one day you do join up and fulfill that dream. I hope that you do go to Uganda if that’s what you want. I hope that you are successful in your career too. Maybe we’ll meet in LA, if you decide to go there. Although, I have a feeling you’ll be in new york. There are lot more sophisticated people there. You always struck me as such a sophisticated woman. I can see you living there and getting your first big break doing whatever it is you want to do. I think about your clothing line. I think that would be so cool for you to do. You are so creative and such a talented artist. Follow your dreams ☺ Ok I better sign off. I think this is helping. I’m wondering where I should post this. You know I don’t like to share my feelings, but I want the world to know how I feel about you. Until next time.
<3 ~Jer
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